But I love him.....

So things have been pretty rocky. Isn't every relationship?

We are 2 very different people and it's hard to push through our egos and I honestly believe we've done well to last this long. I think we've finally hit a roadblock though, neither wants to budge and the fighting has gotten out of hand. It's been constant fighting about the smallest of things every other month. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I sit down and think this is it, I'm done and then I have a dream like last night and say but I love him. I woke up this morning crying, feeling lonely, feeling like I can't tell my best friend my lover my everything how I feel and what's been going on in my head because of the constant bickering.

I feel like sometimes I ask too much but then again I think back and realize that what I'm asking for is stability, matureness, responsibility. Something that is normal to ask of from a partner.

Yet I know I'm not easy sometimes I get too emotional about things and blow them out of porportion and I guess it just goes back to the past. That stupid past that haunts me everyday. Why can't I forget it? Why do I have to live in fear and uncertainty?

I'm going through alot now that no one can understand unless they were in my shoes. Financial troubles are usually the biggest of all problems and I'm there, I think we are near hitting rock bottom and I fear it. I fear it with all my heart as we've worked so hard for everything for us.

I try to hold back the pain, but it shows.

How lonely it feels in my heart. I have God yet I feel I need him more than ever and feel abandoned.

Yes I said it, I feel abandoned by my savior. I know it's not true but I still feel it and I need him. I yelled at him for 30 min in the car today just asking for guidance saying that I've had enough.

So where do we go from here, where will life take me?

I feel as if when I finally feel that I'm getting back on my feet, I get pushed right back down. I'm trying to be good, I'm a good faithful wife, I got to school I love my family and I'm a very hard worker. So then why am I the one suffering?

I need some guidance, faith, love and understanding.

.......but I love him