Depression has set back in

Depression has set back in.

It came like a thief in the night and stole my joy.

Laughed at me in the face while I cried tears of pain and agony last night.

I cried because of my lack of faith. Lack of faith because I refuse to wait, to wait and believe that God has something bigger and better.

I'm living everyday his promises to me yet I still fall back and lack in faith.

The depression swoops in like an unexpected blow to my stomach, I lose my breath and tears of pain scroll down my face.

Why? Why can't I just be happy like others? Are thoughts that swoop through my mind. I know it's a lie, I know others are not always happy. They go through the same.

I know I spent 9 years of my life crying for someone who just couldn't understand how truly great I was to him. How much I loved him. Yet, the feeling of wanting to touch him. Kiss him one more time and hold him in my arms can't be shaken. Yet, deep in my heart I don't want to go back to that life.

Why now? Why today? Depression... he laughs and taunts my every thought, my every move.

I know God has something bigger and better in store for me but I hear that selfish voice in my head. WHY do I have to wait?!!?!?!?

I've done enough suffering in my life I say, so why do I have to CONTINUE to wait!!

I'm frustrated, He's laughing at me. Sitting across my desk, spewing that toxic waste that continues to poison my every thought!!!

I can't stop listening, or maybe I just don't want to.

This is just a set back it's not the end, I need to take that leap of faith... move on, believe.

Crying, screaming, kicking why do I continue to do this to myself? Why do I continue to hurt myself when I know that it will? A form of masochism?

My God is my rock, I shall not be moved. I have to not only say it but believe it.

Not everyday will be perfect but I have to continue to press on.

. Lord with every beat of my heart I shall praise you. I know you have something greater and the longer the wait the bigger it is. I know this, I believe this. Please put my desires to sleep, give me total freedom. Freedom where I may be able to worship you and continue to get closer to you.

I shall wait upon the Lord.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFLSLpjnG70

Struggles with the flesh and mind

For the past few days I've been struggling with my flesh and mind.

I'm eating more than normal, I'm thinking negative thoughts and I'm trying to fight it!

It's so hard, so hard to stop it. I don't know what happened.. I had so much joy, I feel as if the enemy is trying to steal it away from me. I'm not going to let him.

I'm sad, I want a child and good husband a loving family. I know patience is the key, I know the Lord will provide me with what I need. It still hurts to wait......

I miss my family and my animals. Tania said today that I have a big heart, I do and I let that over power my thoughts and it's hard for me to fight it. I need to work on this, it's not bad to have a big heart but it's how you react or take things to the extreme that makes it bad.

I ask God for patience, I don't pray as I should. I need to do it...... sigh... OK I have to be like the horse, look ahead, not side to side nor behind me... ONLY FORWARD!

Not much in the mood for writing today..........

Thank you Jesus!

A new Child in Christ

WOW it's been almost 2 years since I've posted here. I had lost my spark, my joy. Going back and reading my olds posts made me realize I was very unhappy for a long time and was in denial.

I'm so glad I decided to join the Celebrate Recovery program at Metro life Church, I'm about to graduate and I'm so excited that for the first time in my life I'm actually completing something!

I'm excited but at the same time I'm scared. I'm like the baby bird in the nest afraid to jump off and fly, with the fear of falling to my demise. I hear Vanessa's voice my AP hahaha, "fear is NOT from God girl".

OK OK, fear is not from God Vanessa!!

Deep in my heart I want to do this, I want to become a leader and be up there telling my testimony and speaking with a humble heart.

God humbles me when i don't expect it. I'm so thankful for the ability to stay humble and true.

I love being a new child in Christ after so many years, it's like receiving a new toy and you don't want to stop playing with it. I'm so excited and I can't hide it.

As of 4/1/11 I'm still in recovery for Codependency,low self esteem, food addiction, anxiety

victorious! over depression, nicotine addiction, mistrust, anger, RESENTMENT!

Jesus has set me free! Oh yea :)

I had an epiphany today...........part of my serenity prayer that I say EVERY week finally hit me!

Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world AS IT IS not as I WOULD have IT!!!

wow so powerful and didn't get it till today. the world does not need to adjust to me, I need to adjust to the world, I need to accept it as it is and do what I was called to do "praise God" that's what my job is.

As Tania put it it's so easy to do things in this world so simple so simple yet WE make it hard.

how hard is it to REALLY forget? why is it hard? because we said so? why is it hard to trust? because there is an invisible wall there? NO it's because I said so..........

I've realized it is NOT hard to: forget, forgive, give grace, LOVE, smile, praise the Lord!

I need to live in the spirit and not the flesh!

AMEN AMEN AMEN :)

Lights out!