It came like a thief in the night and stole my joy.
Laughed at me in the face while I cried tears of pain and agony last night.
I cried because of my lack of faith. Lack of faith because I refuse to wait, to wait and believe that God has something bigger and better.
I'm living everyday his promises to me yet I still fall back and lack in faith.
The depression swoops in like an unexpected blow to my stomach, I lose my breath and tears of pain scroll down my face.
Why? Why can't I just be happy like others? Are thoughts that swoop through my mind. I know it's a lie, I know others are not always happy. They go through the same.
I know I spent 9 years of my life crying for someone who just couldn't understand how truly great I was to him. How much I loved him. Yet, the feeling of wanting to touch him. Kiss him one more time and hold him in my arms can't be shaken. Yet, deep in my heart I don't want to go back to that life.
Why now? Why today? Depression... he laughs and taunts my every thought, my every move.
I know God has something bigger and better in store for me but I hear that selfish voice in my head. WHY do I have to wait?!!?!?!?
I've done enough suffering in my life I say, so why do I have to CONTINUE to wait!!
I'm frustrated, He's laughing at me. Sitting across my desk, spewing that toxic waste that continues to poison my every thought!!!
I can't stop listening, or maybe I just don't want to.
This is just a set back it's not the end, I need to take that leap of faith... move on, believe.
Crying, screaming, kicking why do I continue to do this to myself? Why do I continue to hurt myself when I know that it will? A form of masochism?
My God is my rock, I shall not be moved. I have to not only say it but believe it.
Not everyday will be perfect but I have to continue to press on.
. Lord with every beat of my heart I shall praise you. I know you have something greater and the longer the wait the bigger it is. I know this, I believe this. Please put my desires to sleep, give me total freedom. Freedom where I may be able to worship you and continue to get closer to you.
I shall wait upon the Lord.
