On my weightloss journey

So it's time to take off the mask and start showing my true feelings about myself. Yes you are the first to read it (my zero followers) I hate myself, I hate saying that I hate myself, but I do. I have let myself go and made bad choices most importantly by putting others before ME. It might sound selfish but it's true, no one cares if I'm fat or if I die of a heart attack as I eat my life away, no one has really cared for the past 26 years to put a stop to it. Only person that can do that is me. It's such a horrible feeling when you see yourself in pictures and see how ugly you really are on the outside. I don't care what anyone says that beauty is on the inside, you have a pretty face blah blah blah. That's not entirely true. I don't expect to look like a swimsuit model but I would hope that when I sit down my massive flab doesn't protrude out of my pants! I stopped thinking about Cary a LONG LONG time ago.... It all started when I graduated from high school and decided to help pay the bills rather than go to school. It all went downhill after that. Why did I do it? To show others that I'm selfless, that I care about others and not myself? Well that was the perfect time to say I'M SELFISH!! My weight erupted after that, then when I got married WOW I ballooned up like Lolita the killer whale! Yes I'm not exaggerating when I met Erick I was the lowest I've been at 145, in the course of our marriage I jumped up to 232 pounds!!!!

Yes I've let myself go, it's not his fault it's mine, he's actually been pretty good at not hounding me to lose the weight that I've put on. I'm not happy though, I have the lowest self esteem ever! I yearn for the sound of someone's voice telling me "good job" or "wow you look good" anything I grasp at anything that can come my way because I need it, I feel that I need it now more than ever. The saddest part? I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat girl, I see this beautiful person and it isn't me, I think overweight people tend to see the person they feel inside when they look in the mirror because it's too painful to see the person on the outside. I want to see that person-not just in the mirror. Why is it so hard? Why does it hurt so much to do something good and constructive but so easy to do something self destructive?

Well now it's time to move on and be proud of what I have accomplished I just have to keep chugging along.

Yes finally losing the weight! I'm 27.5 pds down and closer to my goal! I've been trying hard and can see the finish line. I fall off the wagon at times but I am letting myself because I want to make sure I don't fall back on bad habits, I don't deny myself anything. Only exercise I do is play racquetball I LOVE it. I see others and I feel that I too can do it and be as beautiful on the OUTSIDE as I am on the inside. I've been making lots of changes and putting me first is the most important of them all. I'm tired of being the fat girl. All I have to say is that with the short time that I have been losing weight (4 mon.) I am proud of my weight loss and if I can do it than ANYONE can do it.

I say to you, if you are feeling down get up and keep on swimming don't let yourself drown if you know how to swim!!!!!!!!

I read a quote from someone that says

"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"