Today is another day just like yesterday. I wake up get dressed come to work go home, nothing on tv and I start cleaning. "Yawn" I always complain about school and how hard it is and that I don't have time for anything. I am not sure if anyone understands how I feel unless they've gone to school. It's like a love-hate relationship, can't stand it but can't live without it. Don't get me wrong I love school, I love learning something new everyday, I feel it is fundamental for everyone to learn something new because it healthy and helpful in our life. I don't like the PRESSURE the pressure to finish, the pressure of getting an "A" because if you don't you're not as smart as you thought or at least it feels that way. I feel bored. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I'm living a very boring and safe life. It's because I chose to be this way, I just started being more and more safe about things that I have confined myself in this plastic bubble and don't want to step out. It feels good it feels safe here, I feel happy here. Honestly I feel bored....... I am boring it's that simple.
What's funny is I started to write this blog 2 weeks ago and I never finished. I guess I got my wish because my life became very eventful and it's not a good thing. I made a decision a decision in which I thought was best for my home. It seems to be that was a decision that nobody liked-except me. I now have to live with the consequences of it and it's killing me inside. I feel lonely, I feel sad. Why do I have to be the bad one I only want to live my life as God intended it to be. He says it so clearly in the bible, I am not going to say what it is as I'd rather keep quiet about what's going on. Why do I have to be forced into doing something I don't want to do? Why do I have to accept the choices others make in my own home? I thought I left that long ago when I left my mom and dad and decided to be an adult.
Am I selfish? What does it truly mean to be selfish? I don't feel as I am but then again we see the things we want to see so I might be wrong. Yet those I ask seem to agree that I am not. So why is it that when things need to be changed and will be for the better, fingers start to point and mouths start to flap? I am very emotional today and don't seem to care for anything else. I feel as though I am walking in a path that leads to no where because I keep walking right into that same wall, I had thought I walked around it but yet it stops me dead in my tracks again and yet the path does not seem to end.
I feel like writing poetry, I haven't written in so long. I used to-only in sad times. I have so many thoughts they don't stop they want to come out of my mouth but they pierce like knives right in the heart. I feel like screaming but I can't, I scream and scream in my head and don't stop. I feel like crying but I don't, I cry in my head non stop I see a child in the corner trying to hide the tears from them. I try to smile, but my smile is dead- as a man who's dead in his sleep (nobody knows the man is dead until they approach him).
I am going to dig deep, deep in the earth's crust to find me and not stop till I get that person who I need to be not the person they want me to be.
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