On my weightloss journey

So it's time to take off the mask and start showing my true feelings about myself. Yes you are the first to read it (my zero followers) I hate myself, I hate saying that I hate myself, but I do. I have let myself go and made bad choices most importantly by putting others before ME. It might sound selfish but it's true, no one cares if I'm fat or if I die of a heart attack as I eat my life away, no one has really cared for the past 26 years to put a stop to it. Only person that can do that is me. It's such a horrible feeling when you see yourself in pictures and see how ugly you really are on the outside. I don't care what anyone says that beauty is on the inside, you have a pretty face blah blah blah. That's not entirely true. I don't expect to look like a swimsuit model but I would hope that when I sit down my massive flab doesn't protrude out of my pants! I stopped thinking about Cary a LONG LONG time ago.... It all started when I graduated from high school and decided to help pay the bills rather than go to school. It all went downhill after that. Why did I do it? To show others that I'm selfless, that I care about others and not myself? Well that was the perfect time to say I'M SELFISH!! My weight erupted after that, then when I got married WOW I ballooned up like Lolita the killer whale! Yes I'm not exaggerating when I met Erick I was the lowest I've been at 145, in the course of our marriage I jumped up to 232 pounds!!!!

Yes I've let myself go, it's not his fault it's mine, he's actually been pretty good at not hounding me to lose the weight that I've put on. I'm not happy though, I have the lowest self esteem ever! I yearn for the sound of someone's voice telling me "good job" or "wow you look good" anything I grasp at anything that can come my way because I need it, I feel that I need it now more than ever. The saddest part? I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat girl, I see this beautiful person and it isn't me, I think overweight people tend to see the person they feel inside when they look in the mirror because it's too painful to see the person on the outside. I want to see that person-not just in the mirror. Why is it so hard? Why does it hurt so much to do something good and constructive but so easy to do something self destructive?

Well now it's time to move on and be proud of what I have accomplished I just have to keep chugging along.

Yes finally losing the weight! I'm 27.5 pds down and closer to my goal! I've been trying hard and can see the finish line. I fall off the wagon at times but I am letting myself because I want to make sure I don't fall back on bad habits, I don't deny myself anything. Only exercise I do is play racquetball I LOVE it. I see others and I feel that I too can do it and be as beautiful on the OUTSIDE as I am on the inside. I've been making lots of changes and putting me first is the most important of them all. I'm tired of being the fat girl. All I have to say is that with the short time that I have been losing weight (4 mon.) I am proud of my weight loss and if I can do it than ANYONE can do it.

I say to you, if you are feeling down get up and keep on swimming don't let yourself drown if you know how to swim!!!!!!!!

I read a quote from someone that says

"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

The End

Heartaches and sleepless nights

Struggling through the pain

Endless meaningless fights

Running through the rain

Thinking and dwelling

Faster and faster you go

Screaming and yelling

With nothing to show

Promises broken

You stumble and fall

Words left unspoken

You’ve given your all

Round and round it goes

It’s come to the end

What’s left? no one knows

It’s time now to mend......

"To be or not to be-that is the question"-shakespeare

The title of the blog states a quote from a soliloquy in the story Hamlet by Shakespeare. I will not get into the main idea of this soliloquy because I am not contemplating suicide though what I am saying is "To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are", now that is my question.

To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are, that is the question?
Is it because we live a life of constant sin?
Is it because we hide ourselves in the dark

that we must we fight with who we are within
so then what happens to our spark

It dies inside waiting to be free 

longing for that day in which you can be 

not wanting to hide anymore or scurry up a tree

when will it come when you don't have to plea

It begs and begs to be released 

with  only pleasure no remorse and no pain

when will be the day the beast is unleashed 

and thrive over you before it drives you insane

Are you afraid of who you'll become?

or afraid of what others will say

that is exactly why you have gone numb

you have made your bed now lay

To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are, which is the answer?

Laughter

Laughter is simply so amazing, you laugh and even if you are not happy at that moment you do feel joy. The joy of love, pain and right at that single moment you feel like you are somebody else. That is what I feel every time I laugh even when I'm sad. Haven't you ever heard a child's laugh? It's the most beautiful thing to hear, I love hearing a child's laugh and when they cry it just breaks my heart. It's so funny how laughter and crying can alter your inner emotions. I remember when my mom used to get mad at me sometimes I'd laugh because of the faces she would put and she was very angry but when she saw me laugh she couldn't help but laugh or think I was crazy but most of the time laugh and then it changed her mood. How incredible is that? I love laughing and when I'm not in the mood I make sure to remember to think of something funny and sure enough I calm down, which is good because I don't usually stay angry for so long. Laugh Laugh and Laugh some more. That's why there is a saying that says "Live, Love, Laugh" and I truly believe in it because there is nothing else more important than Living life to the fullest, Loving unconditionally and Laughing all the time in life there should be no regrets! 

Next time you listen to a child's laugh, remember that moment how it touched you.

Laugh for no reason at all who cares if you look crazy! Just Laugh.......... Hahahahahaha, HA! 

All good things have to come to an end

It was wonderful while it lasted, I was happy and had never felt it before. 

I don't regret a single thing, I don't regret what I did or didn't do. I was happy and that's what mattered there is no point going back or regretting what could have been or not. A decision was made and eventually I will feel it was the right one even if now it doesn't feel that way. I tried to make it work, I tried to make it better but I must not have been persistent enough or I went at it the wrong way. Why??? Did this happen I don't know but it did and there is no turning back. If only you could tell me that what I want is wrong then things might change but I know now that there is no chance of it happening. The line has been drawn in the sand and it's time to make the jump and if you don't then well forever doesn't exist. I've made that jump a number of times,  I've leaped from the highest mountain not knowing if there will be anything to stop my fall. What's to say you can't do the same? Why must things come to an end? Why must things fall apart? They just do and there is nothing that can change that. I've known for a while that the feeling was no longer there and if it was then I could not see it through the black brick wall. I tried so many times to break down that wall but I guess I'm not strong enough. Sometimes you have to be prepared to take something that difficult down and I wasn't and still I am not, I have my own walls to worry about. The boat is still at the dock if you'd like to get on but it will be departing soon.  "True love is never forgotten nor regretted, only cherished"- Me

Fall Fever

Good Morning my fellow Fall lovers!!!!
Fall is finally here!

I love Fall(autumn) and winter those are my favorite seasons. I am supposed to be working right now and I don't want to. I am sitting here thinking of these beautiful fall trees that I see in my mind and see in pictures. The wonderful fall colors red, yellow, purple, orange. WOW incredible how there is so much beauty around us and yet we don't appreciate it. We spend every minute of every hour thinking about bills, money, work and we don't stop for a second to take it all in.

I love walking outside when it's nice and brisk and being able to breath in the cool air, I love to be able to smell the wet leaves after a nice refreshing rain shower. Have you? If not add it to your to do list because it is a definite must.

Have you noticed the breathtaking view when you cross over a bridge and see the city lights shining back at you?

Have you ever walked along the beach and noticed the beautiful array of seashells along the shore?

Thoughts running wild

My thoughts run wild like children who see snow for the first time, like horses galloping across a field over the hill, like a paper dancing in the wind. They run free without any regret or remorse. They don't stop and wonder they just run.

At times I think it is a curse to have your mind run wild with thoughts and wild dreams. Then I set into reality and realize it's the only time I can be me, the real me, the me who is not afraid of what to say, the me who does not think of what happens after the fact. The person sometimes I wish to be but is afraid to.

I see myself running through a sea of autumn leaves, as they flutter away in the nice brisk breeze of the day. Orange, red and yellow have never looked so beautiful, just dancing in the wind without a worry in the world. Traveling in circles making faces at me, laughing at my demise, taunting my every move.

I stop to catch my breath and there... I see-a lonely green leaf that the others had left behind. Sitting on the ground just withering away with none of them at it's side. I pick it up and in pieces it falls it just died alone but that was it's fate like a person who dies early because of a mistake.

I walk along the road with beauty all around but I can only think of that one lonely leaf laying there on the ground. I come across a stream what a marvelous sight I decide to get in and fell in without finding the light. I was tugged down below with nothing to breath, so I start to fight.

I fought so hard with all of my might, I wouldn't stop not without a big fight, thoughts crossed through my mind and I couldn't stop the thought of that lonely green leaf laying there on the ground and at that moment was when I realized that it was me whom I had found.

On the road to nowhere

Today is another day just like yesterday. I wake up get dressed come to work go home, nothing on tv and I start cleaning. "Yawn" I always complain about school and how hard it is and that I don't have time for anything. I am not sure if anyone understands how I feel unless they've gone to school. It's like a love-hate relationship, can't stand it but can't live without it. Don't get me wrong I love school, I love learning something new everyday, I feel it is fundamental for everyone to learn something new because it healthy and helpful in our life. I don't like the PRESSURE the pressure to finish, the pressure of getting an "A" because if you don't you're not as smart as you thought or at least it feels that way. I feel bored. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I'm living a very boring and safe life. It's because I chose to be this way, I just started being more and more safe about things that I have confined myself in this plastic bubble and don't want to step out. It feels good it feels safe here, I feel happy here. Honestly I feel bored....... I am boring it's that simple.

What's funny is I started to write this blog 2 weeks ago and I never finished. I guess I got my wish because my life became very eventful and it's not a good thing. I made a decision a decision in which I thought was best for my home. It seems to be that was a decision that nobody liked-except me. I now have to live with the consequences of it and it's killing me inside. I feel lonely, I feel sad. Why do I have to be the bad one I only want to live my life as God intended it to be. He says it so clearly in the bible, I am not going to say what it is as I'd rather keep quiet about what's going on. Why do I have to be forced into doing something I don't want to do? Why do I have to accept the choices others make in my own home? I thought I left that long ago when I left my mom and dad and decided to be an adult.

Am I selfish? What does it truly mean to be selfish? I don't feel as I am but then again we see the things we want to see so I might be wrong. Yet those I ask seem to agree that I am not. So why is it that when things need to be changed and will be for the better, fingers start to point and mouths start to flap? I am very emotional today and don't seem to care for anything else. I feel as though I am walking in a path that leads to no where because I keep walking right into that same wall, I had thought I walked around it but yet it stops me dead in my tracks again and yet the path does not seem to end.

I feel like writing poetry, I haven't written in so long. I used to-only in sad times. I have so many thoughts they don't stop they want to come out of my mouth but they pierce like knives right in the heart. I feel like screaming but I can't, I scream and scream in my head and don't stop. I feel like crying but I don't, I cry in my head non stop I see a child in the corner trying to hide the tears from them. I try to smile, but my smile is dead- as a man who's dead in his sleep (nobody knows the man is dead until they approach him).

I am going to dig deep, deep in the earth's crust to find me and not stop till I get that person who I need to be not the person they want me to be.

Views of the world

I try not to talk much about my views as I am very passionate about them and well my passions are not everyone else's. I just can't agree with all that is going on around me and I guess that is what makes me who I am and different than everyone else. I don't understand how there are so many people in the world fighting about things that make no sense to me but are so important to them. One of the recent things I've seen is some Christian groups who campaign against companies who sponsor gay americans.

I am a Christian so don't get me wrong, but I think the world has more serious problems than the many gay people out there. Listen it's their life and they choose to live it the way they want to. You can't change them all you can do is offer them a helping hand, the best way to bring someone to God is to extend your hand in friendship and not judgement. How do you expect God to have pity on you and not judge you for your sins that you commit everyday but yet you judge others for their mistakes? It's funny I started writing this post about 3 days ago and yesterday when I went to church my pastor spoke about this very same thing. He asked us not to judge others for the things they do as God only wants us to follow him and not to worry about a checklist of what we have to do to win his love. I was amazed as how God spoke to me to assure me that what I am writing is correct. I really don't care to offend anyone because I only serve one person and that is the almighty, so all others can condemn me because of my thoughts or actions all they want.

I've actually derailed from my original topic. My thought was as these people waste their time trying to make it a better place here on earth as it shouldn't because our stay here on earth is not permanent. They should be trying to help others and bringing them to God, one way would be helping the poor who are starving and their children are too. Or the battered women and children who the city and government try so hard to hide. Those are the one's who really need help, not to say others who have not come to Christ don't but it's not worth the time trying to fight a war that shouldn't be fought. Ok let me rewind for a second before you get all crazy on me... my statement is: Instead of rallying against companies who support gay people, are owned by gay people, commercials, exct. US as Childs of Christ should rally TOGETHER to help those in need of saving and showing them that believing in Christ is not a bad thing and that following him doesn't mean giving up everything you've ever felt or believed in, it's just a matter of walking in his ways without adding things to the word.

"Mi Vida es de pelicula!"

I have to say being a Meteorology student should make me more aware of the weather on a day to day basis but it's not that way. Let's begin with a few instances where I've had issues..... OOH today is a good place to begin. I forgot my umbrella being that it is a 60% chance of rain today, yea not smart.... So I get out of class and it's pitch black outside and I am riding the shuttle bus, I take out my neck badge (with credit card and license in it) and run out of the shuttle under sprinkles of rain. As I got to the train station I realized I left my neck badge in the shuttle! Yes exactly what you are thinking, I ran out across the street in front of very angry morning drivers (who are in a hurry to get to work because they woke up late and think it's every one's fault) who then stick out their not so nice fingers at me and let me tell you it's not the thumbs up, ear picker or the pointer.

I yelled to the shuttle bus driver STOP! and he stops for me to get in, I hurriedly tell him I have forgotten something and make a poor guy stand up who hits me in the face with his folder as he stands up for me ( of course purely accidental- or was it!?) Guess what? I don't find it, it was not on the floor or on the chair, as I turn around to get off to see if I find it on the floor, I see the shuttle driver halfway down the block heading towards his next destination with me in it! Of course I couldn't make more of a scene than I had already done, so I waited to get off on the next stop. I get off on the next stop and it starts pouring cats and dogs, or at least that's what the water felt like as it came down on me. I yelled to the sky "God I bet your having a big laugh huh?" and of course at that moment harder it came down.

I finally got on the bus with squishing shoes and dripping clothes and said well I'm going to be late to work so I might as well take my car (as I leave it there in the train station and take the train everyday) So under the rain I start walking up and down looking for my car and then a lady asks "are you leaving?" and I said "yes but I can't find my car" (Erick parks the car I don't) and yes she laughed at me (picture me drenched still walking under the rain with all my bags "looking for my car") She must of thought I was crazy.

So I said forget it I'll take the train, I heard the train coming so I started running into puddles and yes.............. I fell and so they laughed, I held back my tears and held my head up high as I squished away. All I can say to you is don't forget your umbrella, have money for gas, have a cell phone ready, and check the weather everyday! Or if you are like me then make sure to wear your water proof clothes, shoes and definitely makeup!!!