save me

A poem by me :)

It's called Save me

Oh God my God I pray
do not lead me astray
Save me I shout to thee
I need to feel you here with me

Fill my heart with jubilant song
push me farther than I've gone
Save me I say to you
Save me from all that I do

Remove unwanted fears
give me joyful tears
watch me as I sleep
Save me, I'm at your feet

Save me, I scream to you
I know I've taken more than I can chew
lift me up unto the sky
take me, take me way up high

The farther I stray from you
The less I know what to do
Save me father I ask today
fill me with your peace and love, I say.

Depression has set back in

Depression has set back in.

It came like a thief in the night and stole my joy.

Laughed at me in the face while I cried tears of pain and agony last night.

I cried because of my lack of faith. Lack of faith because I refuse to wait, to wait and believe that God has something bigger and better.

I'm living everyday his promises to me yet I still fall back and lack in faith.

The depression swoops in like an unexpected blow to my stomach, I lose my breath and tears of pain scroll down my face.

Why? Why can't I just be happy like others? Are thoughts that swoop through my mind. I know it's a lie, I know others are not always happy. They go through the same.

I know I spent 9 years of my life crying for someone who just couldn't understand how truly great I was to him. How much I loved him. Yet, the feeling of wanting to touch him. Kiss him one more time and hold him in my arms can't be shaken. Yet, deep in my heart I don't want to go back to that life.

Why now? Why today? Depression... he laughs and taunts my every thought, my every move.

I know God has something bigger and better in store for me but I hear that selfish voice in my head. WHY do I have to wait?!!?!?!?

I've done enough suffering in my life I say, so why do I have to CONTINUE to wait!!

I'm frustrated, He's laughing at me. Sitting across my desk, spewing that toxic waste that continues to poison my every thought!!!

I can't stop listening, or maybe I just don't want to.

This is just a set back it's not the end, I need to take that leap of faith... move on, believe.

Crying, screaming, kicking why do I continue to do this to myself? Why do I continue to hurt myself when I know that it will? A form of masochism?

My God is my rock, I shall not be moved. I have to not only say it but believe it.

Not everyday will be perfect but I have to continue to press on.

. Lord with every beat of my heart I shall praise you. I know you have something greater and the longer the wait the bigger it is. I know this, I believe this. Please put my desires to sleep, give me total freedom. Freedom where I may be able to worship you and continue to get closer to you.

I shall wait upon the Lord.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFLSLpjnG70

Struggles with the flesh and mind

For the past few days I've been struggling with my flesh and mind.

I'm eating more than normal, I'm thinking negative thoughts and I'm trying to fight it!

It's so hard, so hard to stop it. I don't know what happened.. I had so much joy, I feel as if the enemy is trying to steal it away from me. I'm not going to let him.

I'm sad, I want a child and good husband a loving family. I know patience is the key, I know the Lord will provide me with what I need. It still hurts to wait......

I miss my family and my animals. Tania said today that I have a big heart, I do and I let that over power my thoughts and it's hard for me to fight it. I need to work on this, it's not bad to have a big heart but it's how you react or take things to the extreme that makes it bad.

I ask God for patience, I don't pray as I should. I need to do it...... sigh... OK I have to be like the horse, look ahead, not side to side nor behind me... ONLY FORWARD!

Not much in the mood for writing today..........

Thank you Jesus!

A new Child in Christ

WOW it's been almost 2 years since I've posted here. I had lost my spark, my joy. Going back and reading my olds posts made me realize I was very unhappy for a long time and was in denial.

I'm so glad I decided to join the Celebrate Recovery program at Metro life Church, I'm about to graduate and I'm so excited that for the first time in my life I'm actually completing something!

I'm excited but at the same time I'm scared. I'm like the baby bird in the nest afraid to jump off and fly, with the fear of falling to my demise. I hear Vanessa's voice my AP hahaha, "fear is NOT from God girl".

OK OK, fear is not from God Vanessa!!

Deep in my heart I want to do this, I want to become a leader and be up there telling my testimony and speaking with a humble heart.

God humbles me when i don't expect it. I'm so thankful for the ability to stay humble and true.

I love being a new child in Christ after so many years, it's like receiving a new toy and you don't want to stop playing with it. I'm so excited and I can't hide it.

As of 4/1/11 I'm still in recovery for Codependency,low self esteem, food addiction, anxiety

victorious! over depression, nicotine addiction, mistrust, anger, RESENTMENT!

Jesus has set me free! Oh yea :)

I had an epiphany today...........part of my serenity prayer that I say EVERY week finally hit me!

Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world AS IT IS not as I WOULD have IT!!!

wow so powerful and didn't get it till today. the world does not need to adjust to me, I need to adjust to the world, I need to accept it as it is and do what I was called to do "praise God" that's what my job is.

As Tania put it it's so easy to do things in this world so simple so simple yet WE make it hard.

how hard is it to REALLY forget? why is it hard? because we said so? why is it hard to trust? because there is an invisible wall there? NO it's because I said so..........

I've realized it is NOT hard to: forget, forgive, give grace, LOVE, smile, praise the Lord!

I need to live in the spirit and not the flesh!

AMEN AMEN AMEN :)

Lights out!

But I love him.....

So things have been pretty rocky. Isn't every relationship?

We are 2 very different people and it's hard to push through our egos and I honestly believe we've done well to last this long. I think we've finally hit a roadblock though, neither wants to budge and the fighting has gotten out of hand. It's been constant fighting about the smallest of things every other month. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I sit down and think this is it, I'm done and then I have a dream like last night and say but I love him. I woke up this morning crying, feeling lonely, feeling like I can't tell my best friend my lover my everything how I feel and what's been going on in my head because of the constant bickering.

I feel like sometimes I ask too much but then again I think back and realize that what I'm asking for is stability, matureness, responsibility. Something that is normal to ask of from a partner.

Yet I know I'm not easy sometimes I get too emotional about things and blow them out of porportion and I guess it just goes back to the past. That stupid past that haunts me everyday. Why can't I forget it? Why do I have to live in fear and uncertainty?

I'm going through alot now that no one can understand unless they were in my shoes. Financial troubles are usually the biggest of all problems and I'm there, I think we are near hitting rock bottom and I fear it. I fear it with all my heart as we've worked so hard for everything for us.

I try to hold back the pain, but it shows.

How lonely it feels in my heart. I have God yet I feel I need him more than ever and feel abandoned.

Yes I said it, I feel abandoned by my savior. I know it's not true but I still feel it and I need him. I yelled at him for 30 min in the car today just asking for guidance saying that I've had enough.

So where do we go from here, where will life take me?

I feel as if when I finally feel that I'm getting back on my feet, I get pushed right back down. I'm trying to be good, I'm a good faithful wife, I got to school I love my family and I'm a very hard worker. So then why am I the one suffering?

I need some guidance, faith, love and understanding.

.......but I love him

On my weightloss journey

So it's time to take off the mask and start showing my true feelings about myself. Yes you are the first to read it (my zero followers) I hate myself, I hate saying that I hate myself, but I do. I have let myself go and made bad choices most importantly by putting others before ME. It might sound selfish but it's true, no one cares if I'm fat or if I die of a heart attack as I eat my life away, no one has really cared for the past 26 years to put a stop to it. Only person that can do that is me. It's such a horrible feeling when you see yourself in pictures and see how ugly you really are on the outside. I don't care what anyone says that beauty is on the inside, you have a pretty face blah blah blah. That's not entirely true. I don't expect to look like a swimsuit model but I would hope that when I sit down my massive flab doesn't protrude out of my pants! I stopped thinking about Cary a LONG LONG time ago.... It all started when I graduated from high school and decided to help pay the bills rather than go to school. It all went downhill after that. Why did I do it? To show others that I'm selfless, that I care about others and not myself? Well that was the perfect time to say I'M SELFISH!! My weight erupted after that, then when I got married WOW I ballooned up like Lolita the killer whale! Yes I'm not exaggerating when I met Erick I was the lowest I've been at 145, in the course of our marriage I jumped up to 232 pounds!!!!

Yes I've let myself go, it's not his fault it's mine, he's actually been pretty good at not hounding me to lose the weight that I've put on. I'm not happy though, I have the lowest self esteem ever! I yearn for the sound of someone's voice telling me "good job" or "wow you look good" anything I grasp at anything that can come my way because I need it, I feel that I need it now more than ever. The saddest part? I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat girl, I see this beautiful person and it isn't me, I think overweight people tend to see the person they feel inside when they look in the mirror because it's too painful to see the person on the outside. I want to see that person-not just in the mirror. Why is it so hard? Why does it hurt so much to do something good and constructive but so easy to do something self destructive?

Well now it's time to move on and be proud of what I have accomplished I just have to keep chugging along.

Yes finally losing the weight! I'm 27.5 pds down and closer to my goal! I've been trying hard and can see the finish line. I fall off the wagon at times but I am letting myself because I want to make sure I don't fall back on bad habits, I don't deny myself anything. Only exercise I do is play racquetball I LOVE it. I see others and I feel that I too can do it and be as beautiful on the OUTSIDE as I am on the inside. I've been making lots of changes and putting me first is the most important of them all. I'm tired of being the fat girl. All I have to say is that with the short time that I have been losing weight (4 mon.) I am proud of my weight loss and if I can do it than ANYONE can do it.

I say to you, if you are feeling down get up and keep on swimming don't let yourself drown if you know how to swim!!!!!!!!

I read a quote from someone that says

"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

The End

Heartaches and sleepless nights

Struggling through the pain

Endless meaningless fights

Running through the rain

Thinking and dwelling

Faster and faster you go

Screaming and yelling

With nothing to show

Promises broken

You stumble and fall

Words left unspoken

You’ve given your all

Round and round it goes

It’s come to the end

What’s left? no one knows

It’s time now to mend......

"To be or not to be-that is the question"-shakespeare

The title of the blog states a quote from a soliloquy in the story Hamlet by Shakespeare. I will not get into the main idea of this soliloquy because I am not contemplating suicide though what I am saying is "To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are", now that is my question.

To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are, that is the question?
Is it because we live a life of constant sin?
Is it because we hide ourselves in the dark

that we must we fight with who we are within
so then what happens to our spark

It dies inside waiting to be free 

longing for that day in which you can be 

not wanting to hide anymore or scurry up a tree

when will it come when you don't have to plea

It begs and begs to be released 

with  only pleasure no remorse and no pain

when will be the day the beast is unleashed 

and thrive over you before it drives you insane

Are you afraid of who you'll become?

or afraid of what others will say

that is exactly why you have gone numb

you have made your bed now lay

To be someone you are not or not to be someone you are, which is the answer?

Laughter

Laughter is simply so amazing, you laugh and even if you are not happy at that moment you do feel joy. The joy of love, pain and right at that single moment you feel like you are somebody else. That is what I feel every time I laugh even when I'm sad. Haven't you ever heard a child's laugh? It's the most beautiful thing to hear, I love hearing a child's laugh and when they cry it just breaks my heart. It's so funny how laughter and crying can alter your inner emotions. I remember when my mom used to get mad at me sometimes I'd laugh because of the faces she would put and she was very angry but when she saw me laugh she couldn't help but laugh or think I was crazy but most of the time laugh and then it changed her mood. How incredible is that? I love laughing and when I'm not in the mood I make sure to remember to think of something funny and sure enough I calm down, which is good because I don't usually stay angry for so long. Laugh Laugh and Laugh some more. That's why there is a saying that says "Live, Love, Laugh" and I truly believe in it because there is nothing else more important than Living life to the fullest, Loving unconditionally and Laughing all the time in life there should be no regrets! 

Next time you listen to a child's laugh, remember that moment how it touched you.

Laugh for no reason at all who cares if you look crazy! Just Laugh.......... Hahahahahaha, HA! 

All good things have to come to an end

It was wonderful while it lasted, I was happy and had never felt it before. 

I don't regret a single thing, I don't regret what I did or didn't do. I was happy and that's what mattered there is no point going back or regretting what could have been or not. A decision was made and eventually I will feel it was the right one even if now it doesn't feel that way. I tried to make it work, I tried to make it better but I must not have been persistent enough or I went at it the wrong way. Why??? Did this happen I don't know but it did and there is no turning back. If only you could tell me that what I want is wrong then things might change but I know now that there is no chance of it happening. The line has been drawn in the sand and it's time to make the jump and if you don't then well forever doesn't exist. I've made that jump a number of times,  I've leaped from the highest mountain not knowing if there will be anything to stop my fall. What's to say you can't do the same? Why must things come to an end? Why must things fall apart? They just do and there is nothing that can change that. I've known for a while that the feeling was no longer there and if it was then I could not see it through the black brick wall. I tried so many times to break down that wall but I guess I'm not strong enough. Sometimes you have to be prepared to take something that difficult down and I wasn't and still I am not, I have my own walls to worry about. The boat is still at the dock if you'd like to get on but it will be departing soon.  "True love is never forgotten nor regretted, only cherished"- Me